On March 19, 2021, I had my Google Documents application opened before me, but I had yet to open a previous document. The night before, I was creating a text conversion of questions in an image for my aunt, unaware that I composed the file through my brand Gmail account versus my personal account. I was initially in the process of sending this project out to her before I recognized this; I copied the text, closed the file, but before I logged into the proper account, I noticed a document titled “Why You Should Stay Alive.”
Why is this here? What is this? It was the last document composed prior to me creating a new document at this time, and everything opened prior to that evening were worship lyrics I had constructed previously. For that reason, I didn’t think it was anything dark or cynical like suicide or questioning my life—I thank God for delivering me from those dark thoughts I have used to carry in the earlier years of my early adult life. I’ll take a look at this later, I told myself. I switched accounts and finished the original task at hand.
Going back to 19 March, as I observed the document preview, I recognized this mysterious writing looked like it was only one line long. Not only did the date of composure shock me, but the content and the timing in which I received it was even more astonishing.
I opened the file.
“Why You Should Stay Alive (Last edit was on September 23, 2020; created September 23, 2020 6:49 PM)
And maybe, could it be the one person you’ve just yet to meet is you.”
I can’t make this up.
I felt chills in my body; it hit me: My spirit had been crying out for God to deliver me into my true identity in Him without my conscious self knowing I was lost inside of myself for so long. All of the seasons, chapter, tests and trials of my yesterday’s were leading me to this exact moment in time where God kept me from the teeth of death to meet my true self—my true self in Jesus Christ.
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I had been raised with the knowledge of God and the Bible from my youth into my young adult years, and because of the dysfunction in my family, I was away from attending church services for the majority of my time throughout elementary and middle school. There was a girl named Amanda that I had met in third grade, and she had been a friend of mine all throughout my school years. In eighth grade, she invited me to attend her church and I was attending the youth ministry. I had a zeal for the Lord, and I remember going to the altar at a youth camp and letting Jesus be the Lord of my life; however, at that age without the shepherding of both of my parents being the example, I did not have full understanding of what this declaration really meant, let alone what it truly meant to be a Christian—My mother absolutely did the best she could as a married, single–mother raising four children practically on her own, but with God carrying her through it all. My eldest and youngest siblings are seven years in difference, and one having high-functioning autism, and in her adolescence, she was afflicted by both epileptic episodes and meltdowns (she was diagnosed with autism at 10, with epilepsy at 7, and I thank God she has been seizure free for two years now!). We made it through our youth, as my eldest sister is 30, youngest 26, only and younger brother is 23, and I’ll be 28 near April’s end.
In 2013, two years after I graduated from high school, I met another friend through creating music who invited me to the church and young adult ministry he was attending. The year after, in 2014, I got baptized by the now-pastor of the ministry I have been part of, Ignition 633 Ministries, before God revealed a different Kingdom assignment He had in store for us, especially as a house church waiting on the Lord revealing a building to have service. I was part of the worship team before I left Delaware to attend Belmont University in 2015 in Nashville, Tennessee.
When I moved down to Nashville, I was about to enter my 22nd year of life, and because I had always been a gentle person, someone who never had the desire to be profane, violent, and hateful (the love of God, and the Love of God were in me), over the years I had heard from outside voices say that I was “gay,” lame—you name it. When we don’t have consecration in our own identity in Christ, we can take those things to heart, and I had taken them to heart because I have never been someone who was skilled at things like sports, culture, and I wasn’t aggressive or possessive with girls in my younger years. I dated girls and always treated those I dated—and my female friends—with respect (though I wasn’t perfect..we were all kids and made mistakes) not having a true, father figure direct me into courting and dating, I pretty much felt shame and dejection in rejection, or in the times when things broke off. I abstained from sex because I was raised on waiting til marriage. My heart’s desire had always been to be married with a wife, have children, and to be a God-fearing/God-serving husband father (where my birth father lacked to be that example). As I had cracks in my esteem and sense of self, that’s where the deceit started coming in. I’ll come back to this part of my story.
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In my childhood, I had a friend who was involved with sports and the like while I was in grade school. Him and his family moved into a home across from ours from the west-coast, and our families established relationship throughout the years. He tried to show me how to skateboard and I never picked up on it, though my brother did (many years later, my brother switched to long boarding and I was able to conquer that), so we would hang out a lot, but I’d sit on the metaphorical sidelines as soon as things got athletic. He and his sisters, and me and my siblings would spend time inside and in the yards of one another’s homes, and we’d stay the night for movies and games, too.
On a different occasion that was just a regular hangout, I remember being upstairs in their home needing to use the restroom (to my memory) but there was a jockstrap on the floor. I never played sports and didn’t know what it was, but my friend mentioned it was his and had to clear it out of the way (we were all raised to have rooms cleaned before having guests over, you know). I was impressionable, insecure in myself as I had a speech impediment at the time and was generally shy, and I thought my friend was so cool and I wanted to be similar—typical young people things!
Moving forward, at some point, in my own house at the computer curious to find out what a “jockstrap” was. I don’t know if “Safe Search” existed at the time,—as this was the area of America Online and “dial-up internet.” As I went to images, my young eyes were scarred. Not only did the results show images of the undergarment, but there were also distorted things like pornography in the results. Some were men with men. I didn’t know what this was, but that’s where the first seed of confusion was planted.
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Years after discovering pornography, struggling with making sense of what it was and eventually “learning” how to orgasm by the visual examples in my late teens, curiosities lingered as I found out about dating apps. Somewhere, the straight-up lie that it was safe to mess around with a male as a male was okay as “no one would get pregnant” made its way into my mind, so after one last attempt at dating a women, the “you’re gay” lie came up and I—as a believer in and follower of Christ, not truly knowing or understanding the Word of God and it’s truth and true authority—sought after figuring out my identity (the pursuit was ultimately after my full identity, not singularly about sexual). I eventually “settled” with “queer,” as I still was wanting a woman to accept me for me (going back to my heart’s desire) and I her, but I felt a woman wouldn’t want me because I wasn’t “man” enough; It was never my desire to be with a man long term, so I knew I wasn’t “gay.” (Currently, the Lord impressed on me that all of those labels are man-driven to divide and He created our sex organs in men and women for procreating. Even seeking sexual gratification as validation is not God’s intention (refer 1 Corinthians 7; there is even sexual morality, so that means certain things are immoral to God’s intention)).
As I went down this path, and still spent time in fellowship, at church, and in prayer alone, the lies of that being my reality as well as accusations of unworthiness gained more authority over me, I eventually believed it. I never denounced God, however, I was very lost, isolated, and far from God—exactly where Satan wants us to be. I got depressed again, as I had symptoms at 18–20 years of age. Eventually, at 25, I was diagnosed with Bipolar 2 Disorder after having consistent, low days with grief and fear. I lamented and cursed my life like Job. It got bad after I had to leave school in 2017 before finishing my last year because I couldn’t afford it. I started buying and smoking weed later that year as I knew others who smoked, though I hadn’t myself until then for the sake of smoking (I tried it twice when after I was 18; this was me deliberately seeking pleasure outside of seeking God). I eventually left Tennessee because I couldn’t handle things on my own and moved back home with family May of 2018.
September 2018, I started working at a retail Apple location. It was absolutely a provision from God. I was able to have structure again, kind people to see me and take me in as I am, and it was good. I stayed there for two years and was planning on more, but 2020 came around. Aside from the external chaos, deception, and political violence in the world, through the spirit, I knew something was not right. At the end of March, I had a fire start in a trash bin in my bedroom with smoke damage causing all of the walls and floor to be torn down (and restored) as well as the walls all in the upper level over my family home to be repainted and all the upper flooring to be redone. There was a lot of conflict between me fulfilling the new work-from-home role as there was staggered repairs in my house due to the state of the nation. Interestingly, through two injuries of my right index finger in November the week of Thanksgiving, God directed my steps to leave the business and end my employment December 22. I felt the nudge for weeks, but the Lord used two foolish things to confound me and move me where He needed me to be. He didn’t cause me to injure myself—He worked these things together for my good and my finger healed over time, as did my heart, soul, and spirit.
Spiritually, I had been aware of demonic and ungodly influences in Hollywood and entertainment for ten years. I learned what “globalist” was as the Bible talks about end of time prophecies in Revelation 13. With that said, I had one friend plant a seed that I began to water from March 2020 all through the year. So much of what the Bible—the Living Word of God—says had been unfolding before my eyes, but my dots weren’t all connected. The Lord brought me to 1 Corinthians 1:27-28, 2 Corinthians 2:11, Revelation 3 (also, verse 9 of chapter 3 to highlight a key element of the times), Romans 11:11, the book of Jude, 2 Thessalonians 2:1-12 (highlighting verse 7-12 on the man of lawlessness and delusion) to help me discern what’s happening in the world. The scales have fallen off of my eyes—some call this being “red-pilled.” I see the world for what it truly is, and I can’t close my eyes or go back to sleep. I don’t want to go back to sleep either, because that’s how I was able to be fooled spiritually.
Now, realizing why the adversary (Satan) worked relentlessly to keep me from walking into this awakening, I have made the Lord and His Word the center of my life, truly. Since we are made in the image of God, we will have a means of limited wisdom, but without fellowship with God through the Holy Spirit, we will miss out on true and full wisdom and understanding, as “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, and the knowledge of the Holy One is understanding.” Proverbs 9:10 CSB
The Lord grew me on the inside and reminded me of my true nature in Him. He’s reminded me of times I’d been kept from death when I almost drowned in my youth and fell asleep at the wheel in the 2016–2017, all for me to be where I am now, before Him and before the version of me I never met, but was destined to meet: my full, true self as my Father’s son and a new creation in Jesus Christ.
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As I near my 28th birthday, I am now delivered from the tastes of old—from my past sins and transgressions— and I have not had any symptoms of a mood disorder nor been on any medication for said disorder in over a year (which I believe I am delivered from that mental warfare, and I remove that label and diagnosis from my personhood. I do not condemn anyone with mood disorders or who battles mental health as we all are on our own journey in life, afflictions and all striving towards wholeness; where I once had confusion in my life in regards to my own identity and purpose as well as confusion of the world for what it is had all been made clear. I didn’t take anything, I didn’t go anywhere—I was literally home with God (The Father, The Son, and The Holy Spirit) and through communion, fellowship, fasting, and prayer three weeks in February of 2021, I asked, and it was given. Everything is in God’s timing, for His ways are not our ways and His thoughts are not our thoughts.
“The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make his face shine on you and be gracious to you; the Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace.” Numbers 6:24-26 NIV
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Scriptural Reading
‘But the hour is coming, and now is, when the true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and truth; for the Father is seeking such to worship Him. God is Spirit, and those who worship Him must worship in spirit and truth.”‘ John 4:23-24 NKJV
“Then war broke out in heaven: Michael and his angels fought against the dragon. The dragon and his angels also fought, but he could not prevail, and there was no place for them in heaven any longer. So the great dragon was thrown out — the ancient serpent, who is called the devil and Satan, the one who deceives the whole world. He was thrown to earth, and his angels with him. Then I heard a loud voice in heaven say, The salvation and the power and the kingdom of our God and the authority of his Christ have now come, because the accuser of our brothers and sisters, who accuses them before our God day and night, has been thrown down. They conquered him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony; for they did not love their lives to the point of death. Therefore rejoice, you heavens, and you who dwell in them! Woe to the earth and the sea, because the devil has come down to you with great fury, because he knowshis time is short.” Revelation 12:7-12 CSB
“Ask, and it will be given to you. Seek, and you will find. Knock, and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened. Who among you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good things to those who ask him.” Matthew 7:7-11 CSB
“Brothers and sisters, consider your calling: Not many were wise from a human perspective, not many powerful, not many of noble birth. Instead, God has chosen what is foolish in the world to shame the wise, and God has chosen what is weak in the world to shame the strong. God has chosen what is insignificant and despised in the world — what is viewed as nothing — to bring to nothing what is viewed as something, so that no one may boast in his presence. It is from him that you are in Christ Jesus, who became wisdom from God for us — our righteousness, sanctification, and redemption — in order that, as it is written: Let the one who boasts, boast in the Lord.” 1 Corinthians 1:26-31 CSB
“Blessed is the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavens in Christ. For he chose us in him, before the foundation of the world, to be holy and blameless in love before him. He predestined us to be adopted as sons through Jesus Christ for himself, according to the good pleasure of his will, to the praise of his glorious grace that he lavished on us in the Beloved One. In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace that he richly poured out on us with all wisdom and understanding. He made known to us the mystery of his will, according to his good pleasure that he purposed in Christ as a plan for the right time — to bring everything together in Christ, both things in heaven and things on earth in him.” Ephesians 1:3-10 CSB
“I have done this so that we may not be taken advantage of by Satan. For we are not ignorant of his schemes.” 2 Corinthians 2:11 HCSB
“For although we live in the flesh, we do not wage war according to the flesh, since the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh, but are powerful through God for the demolition of strongholds. We demolish arguments and every proud thing that is raised up against the knowledge of God, and we take every thought captive to obey Christ.” 2 Corinthians 10:3-5 CSB; “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers of this darkness, against evil, spiritual forces in the heavens. For this reason take up the full armor of God, so that you may be able to resist in the evil day, and having prepared everything, to take your stand.” Ephesians 6:12-13 CSB
““Write to the angel of the church in Sardis: Thus says the one who has the seven spirits of God and the seven stars: I know your works; you have a reputation for being alive, but you are dead. Be alert and strengthen what remains, which is about to die, for I have not found your works complete before my God. Remember, then, what you have received and heard; keep it, and repent. If you are not alert, I will come like a thief, and you have no idea at what hour I will come upon you. But you have a few people in Sardis who have not defiled their clothes, and they will walk with me in white, because they are worthy. “In the same way, the one who conquers will be dressed in white clothes, and I will never erase his name from the book of life but will acknowledge his name before my Father and before his angels. “Let anyone who has ears to hear listen to what the Spirit says to the churches. “Write to the angel of the church in Philadelphia: Thus says the Holy One, the true one, the one who has the key of David, who opens and no one will close, and who closes and no one opens: I know your works. Look, I have placed before you an open door that no one can close because you have but little power; yet you have kept my word and have not denied my name. Note this: I will make those from the synagogue of Satan, who claim to be Jews and are not, but are lying — I will make them come and bow down at your feet, and they will know that I have loved you. Because you have kept my command to endure, I will also keep you from the hour of testing that is going to come on the whole world to test those who live on the earth. I am coming soon. Hold on to what you have, so that no one takes your crown. “The one who conquers I will make a pillar in the temple of my God, and he will never go out again. I will write on him the name of my God and the name of the city of my God — the new Jerusalem, which comes down out of heaven from my God — and my new name. “Let anyone who has ears to hear listen to what the Spirit says to the churches. “Write to the angel of the church in Laodicea: Thus says the Amen, the faithful and true witness, the originator of God’s creation: I know your works, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish that you were cold or hot. So, because you are lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I am going to vomit you out of my mouth. For you say, ‘I’m rich; I have become wealthy and need nothing,’ and you don’t realize that you are wretched, pitiful, poor, blind, and naked. I advise you to buy from me gold refined in the fire so that you may be rich, white clothes so that you may be dressed and your shameful nakedness not be exposed, and ointment to spread on your eyes so that you may see. As many as I love, I rebuke and discipline. So be zealous and repent. See! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and eat with him, and he with me. “To the one who conquers I will give the right to sit with me on my throne, just as I also conquered and sat down with my Father on his throne. “Let anyone who has ears to hear listen to what the Spirit says to the churches.”” Revelation 3 CSB
“Now concerning the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ and our being gathered to him: We ask you, brothers and sisters, not to be easily upset or troubled, either by a prophecy or by a message or by a letter supposedly from us, alleging that the day of the Lord has come. Don’t let anyone deceive you in any way. For that day will not come unless the apostasy comes first and the man of lawlessness is revealed, the man doomed to destruction. He opposes and exalts himself above every so-called god or object of worship, so that he sits in God’s temple, proclaiming that he himself is God. Don’t you remember that when I was still with you I used to tell you about this? And you know what currently restrains him, so that he will be revealed in his time. For the mystery of lawlessness is already at work, but the one now restraining will do so until he is out of the way, and then the lawless one will be revealed. The Lord Jesus will destroy him with the breath of his mouth and will bring him to nothing at the appearance of his coming. The coming of the lawless one is based on Satan’s working, with every kind of miracle, both signs and wonders serving the lie, and with every wicked deception among those who are perishing. They perish because they did not accept the love of the truth and so be saved. For this reason God sends them a strong delusion so that they will believe the lie, so that all will be condemned — those who did not believe the truth but delighted in unrighteousness. 2 Thessalonians 2:1-12 CSB
“However, there is a wisdom that we continually speak of when we are among the spiritually mature. It’s wisdom that didn’t originate in this present age, nor did it come from the rulers of this age who are in the process of being dethroned. Instead, we continually speak of this wonderful wisdom that comes from God, hidden before now in a mystery. It is his secret plan, destined before the ages, to bring us into glory. None of the rulers of this present world order understood it, for if they had, they never would have crucified the Lord of shining glory. This is why the Scriptures say: Things never discovered or heard of before, things beyond our ability to imagine — these are the many things God has in store for all his lovers. But God now unveils these profound realities to us by the Spirit. Yes, he has revealed to us his inmost heart and deepest mysteries through the Holy Spirit, who constantly explores all things. After all, who can really see into a person’s heart and know his hidden impulses except for that person’s spirit? So it is with God. His thoughts and secrets are only fully understood by his Spirit, the Spirit of God. For we did not receive the spirit of this world system but the Spirit of God, so that we might come to understand and experience all that grace has lavished upon us. And we articulate these realities with the words imparted to us by the Spirit and not with the words taught by human wisdom. We join together Spirit-revealed truths with Spirit-revealed words. Someone living on an entirely human level rejects the revelations of God’s Spirit, for they make no sense to him. He can’t understand the revelations of the Spirit because they are only discovered by the illumination of the Spirit. Those who live in the Spirit are able to carefully evaluate all things, and they are subject to the scrutiny of no one but God. For Who has ever intimately known the mind of the Lord Yahweh well enough to become his counselor? Christ has, and we possess Christ’s perceptions.” 1 Corinthians 2:6-16 TPT
“I ask, then, has God rejected his people? Absolutely not! For I too am an Israelite, a descendant of Abraham, from the tribe of Benjamin. God has not rejected his people whom he foreknew. Or don’t you know what the Scripture says in the passage about Elijah — how he pleads with God against Israel? Lord, they have killed your prophets and torn down your altars. I am the only one left, and they are trying to take my life! But what was God’s answer to him? I have left seven thousand for myself who have not bowed down to Baal. In the same way, then, there is also at the present time a remnant chosen by grace. Now if by grace, then it is not by works; otherwise grace ceases to be grace. What then? Israel did not find what it was looking for, but the elect did find it. The rest were hardened, as it is written, God gave them a spirit of stupor, eyes that cannot see and ears that cannot hear, to this day. And David says, Let their table become a snare and a trap, a pitfall and a retribution to them. Let their eyes be darkened so that they cannot see, and their backs be bent continually. I ask, then, have they stumbled so as to fall? Absolutely not! On the contrary, by their transgression, salvation has come to the Gentiles to make Israel jealous. Now if their transgression brings riches for the world, and their failure riches for the Gentiles, how much more will their fullness bring!” Romans 11:1-12 CSB
“All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the servant of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.” 2 Timothy 3:16-17 NIV
The Be Well Brand 